How can I support my partner’s performance anxiety?

You might be attending to your own pelvic and sexual health but be wondering about your partners. Sexual concerns are in fact very common in the partners of people with sexual concerns, so if you are experiencing something amiss with your sexual function, there is increased likelihood that your partner is too. After all sexual relationships are indeed just that – relationships! Read on about strategies for support men with fluctuating erection quality.

I tend to see men who are of all ages for a variety of sexual concerns, and when I say all ages I meant it – the youngest men I’ve seen are 18 and the eldest was 94. Common issues include erectile concerns, difficulties with ejaculation (premature or delayed) and perceived problems related to sexual desire. Commonly I see folks with what we call performance anxiety. The challenge with erectile “performance” related back to social messaging about men’s sexuality. In fact – the very idea that it is a “performance” is part of the problem. Men are taught from an early age that boys and are men are highly sexual, interested in sex all the time, and more motivated to have sex than their female counterparts. They are taught to expect that erections should be reliable, achieved at the drop of a hat and sufficient for intercourse, 100% of the time. This kind of thinking is unhelpful because, men’s sexuality is contextual too – that means it is influenced by the things around them. So, when they aren’t in the mood for sex, or they find it difficult to concentrate on sex, and to “stay” in the moment” they think there is something wrong with them – rather than assuming that variability in sexual functioning is entirely normal!

Female partners are also conditioned to believe that female bodies are the object of sexual desire and should be met with consistent sexual response. Usually, the female partners that I speak to are concerned that maybe they are doing something wrong, that aren’t attractive enough, or skilled enough in the bedroom, or assume that their partner has lost interest in them. This is most often not the case!

Arousal is not linear, which means that you don’t turn the aroused switch on (e.g. erection) and it stays on strong for the entire time we are engaged in sexual activities. Chances are there may be some variety in the kinds of stimulation you are engaging in (e.g. kissing, touching, oral sex etc). It is normal for the firmness of an erection to change as you are engaging in these different kinds of activities. Direct penile touch is likely to produce the strongest erectile response, so any break from that (yes – including providing touch rather than receiving it, may well be associated with a drop in firmness – this does not mean it’s a result of the partner!). A second important thing to recognize is something called arousal non-concordance – what this means is that there are two kinds of sexual arousal (mental and physical) and often they do not co-occur. So, while you might be expecting to see a physical response (e.g. erection), your partner may be very mentally turned on, but not always showing a parallel physical response. The opposite can happen too, where there is a good physical response, but mental arousal isn’t strong and for some this can lead to less satisfying sexual experiences, or ones that don’t feel as pleasurable. Therefore – an erection isn’t everything! Third, pleasurable sensation is entirely possible to experience even without an erection – so carrying on with touch that feels good, even when a penis is not hard, can still result in pleasure and orgasm – don’t quit just because the erection goes away. Often carrying on (in an accepting and non-judgemental way) will allow the erection to eventually work its way back into the equation. Lastly – men are not immune to distraction and stress, and these are common things that might take them out of the moment and create difficulty with staying aroused. These are not personal and do not speak to a partner’s insufficiency - the more that we can accept that life is busy and stressful and that this is bound to seep into our sexual experiences, the less judgemental we will be when it happens. Don’t get too wrapped up in the “pass/fail” mentality of sex – where erection equals pass and changes in erections equals fail – as long as you and your partner want to be there and are enjoying yourselves, this is healthy sex!

Disclaimer: The content offered in this blog is the content of Dr. Lauren Walker. Answers to questions are not exhaustive and are offered as potential ideas to begin to address sexual questions and concerns. The answers are not meant to replace medical advice or psychotherapy, and are included for educational and entertainment purposes.