There are a lot of factors that contribute to changes in interest in sex, especially as the stage of a relationship changes. First off, it is quite normal for couples to find that sexual frequency and desire change as couple move from newer to longer term relationships, or makes significant changes symbolizing commitment, such as moving in together. This post explores some reasons for why. But, it’s also important to remember that having good sex and wanting sex, likely requires that you think about it beforehand – anticipate it and look forward to it, rather than just jump right to it when you've been busy doing something else.
In the honeymoon or “new” phase of a relationship couples are still getting to know each other. There is a lot of excitement in the uncertainty of this phase and in learning about each other that makes people want to have lots of sex. There is also lots of novelty in this early stage, which can be a big driver of desire. When you are dating, you look forward to opportunities to see your partner, consciously or not, you are mentally preparing for the possibility of having sex. You shower, groom, put on clean underwear, and get excited about the possibility of being intimate, long before your date arrives at your door. But when you live together, you start to take opportunities like this for granted: You don’t get ready, or look forward to sex, but yet you still think you should just ‘want it’ - Sometimes mental preparedness for sex is something you don’t realize you are doing in the dating phase, so you don’t think you need to do it when you move in together too. If your tag line is - “I don’t feel like it today, so we can just try for tomorrow?” (after all your partner is available every day when you live in the same home, aren’t they?) then it might be time to consider how you can set yourself up for success with sex tomorrow! Instead of passively waiting to “want it”, you can intentionally get ready for it.
What do you need to do today, to make yourself more motivated to have sex tomorrow? You may need to engage in some self-care, take a mental break after work, go for a walk, ask your partner for help around the house, or make sure you’ve sorted out a relationship conflict so you feel more connected? Here is a list of ideas for how you can help yourself prepare for sex.
Erotica: Read a spicy novel and watch a steamy show.
Self-care: Make sure you have had some time to yourself - draw yourself a bath, go for a walk, do something for you.
Fantasy: Spend some time fantasizing about sex, or recalling a good memory about sex.
Kindness: Ask your partner to send you nice messages or doing something nice for you in the day.
Proximity: If you are both home a lot, make sure you've had some time apart recently. Or if you've been busy and haven't seen much of each other, make sure you've had some time to connect.
Disclaimer: The content offered in this blog is the content of Dr. Lauren Walker. Answers to questions are not exhaustive and are offered as potential ideas to begin to address sexual questions and concerns. The answers are not meant to replace medical advice or psychotherapy, and are included for educational and entertainment purposes.
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